Teacher and student jokes

These are some teacher jokes and student jokes that you can use for a teacher appreciation activity, writing or event. Have fun!

TEACHER’S DAY (Teacher appreciation jokes)
On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving teacher appreciation gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers." "That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is...a box of candy." "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

BIOLOGY EXAM (Teacher appreciation jokes)
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

THE STUDENT AND THE PHARMACIST (Teacher appreciation jokes)
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."

TEACHER’S LATE FINAL (Teacher appreciation jokes)
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room

GENTLEMAN (Teacher appreciation jokes)
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?" The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!" The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?"

I DIDN’T DO IT! (Teacher appreciation jokes)
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do. "The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

IDIOTS (Teacher appreciation jokes)
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

SHORT JOKES (Teacher appreciation jokes)
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Someone else's pants”.

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

School is where you always try to do your best-except when your friends are watching.

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round? George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

I went to a tough high school. In biology we used to dissect custodians.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
Pupil: Lassie !

To be a first-grade teacher you have to have skill, dedication, and an immunity to knock-knock jokes.

Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !

The school board decided to remove speech and debate from the course schedule; there was no argument.

School is just an elaborate plot by vampires to obtain the blood of teenagers through periodic blood-drives.

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

College would be great if it weren't for all the classes.

Teacher: What is "can't" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.

The best part of going back to school is seeing all your friends. The worst part is that your teachers won’t let you talk to them.

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !

We used to call it "recess." Today they call it "cease fire."

Teacher: and what is "don't" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !